my pain lies in a tomb where I buried it after you left
i locked it with keys from my pocket,
programmed combinations that only I knew
sealed it in ways impenetrable to all but me
in my weakest moments and darkest nights,
i have crept, silent-footed to its door, and curled up by its side
it harbours no judgement, but extends its dark wings
its malformed hands
grabs me
pulls me closer
pulls me in
i beg for the familiar
for its razored claws to puncture my skin –
re-opening old wounds until I bleed
shuddering, i offer my track-marked body and
beg for it to make me feel again
as I lie there – the life draining out of me,
numb with the dull sense of awareness
whispering to no-one in particular
it sings me to sleep
dark, ragged breaths whispering a lullaby
that only i can hear
as i dream of dark flight, of your hands on me,
of clawing and scratching and screaming and bloodletting,
of promises and madness and music that plays
over and over
and over and over
and over
until i wake days later, hoarse and gasping and
begging for someone to change the codes,
take these keys away from me
i am done…
this time was the last –
i swear
i am not an addict
i don’t need it.this.you.
i can stop any time 


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